Ever since I was young, I’ve always disliked birds. According to my neuro-psychological report that diagnosed my Asperger’s, ‘When Holly was in her third year she saw a behavioural psychologist as she had an extreme phobic response to birds and animals’. I don’t remember this, because I was three, but it must have been quite ‘extreme’.

I understand and accept that birds are an important part of our ecosystem, and I would never want them to go away or not exist. I just wish I had a large bird-repellent bubble around me, so that any birds within around 50 metres would fly away. Unfortunately, the birds do not understand this and insist upon existing near me.

Birdsong is incredibly annoying and rather painful due to sensory difficulties. Their sharp, unpredictable chirps feel like a shard in my brain. This is one of the reasons I dislike going out for a walk or sitting outside. It’s incredibly loud! Headphones help, but it’s still frustrating.

We had chickens at one point, when I was around 10 or 11. I remember I didn’t like feeding them because I was so anxious that they would bite or attack me. Whilst getting a dog helped immensely with my fear of dogs, getting chickens did not.

The only birds I like are in The Legend of Zelda. In the games, they are called ‘cuccos’ and you can pick them up then jump off a cliff or a house, and they will fly you around. Real chickens cannot do this, which is rather disappointing. But even in the games, if you repeatedly attack the cuccos they will eventually gang up on you and attack, just like real ones.

The problem is, whenever you go to a zoo or animal-related location, there is always someone holding an owl for photos. Usually you are in a small room with them, and I have to inch around the edge of the room to get away from the owl. They always insist ‘they won’t bite, don’t worry!’ and thrust the bird at you to hold. That’s not how irrational fears work, I’m afraid. I’m not going to get over a near lifelong fear because someone tells me ‘they won’t bite’. Accept I will not touch or get near the bird, and move on. Usually these zoo keepers would see a young girl/woman who was a little nervous, and would keep pushing the bird on me even when I made it perfectly clear that I did not want it.

I remember my family and I went on holiday, but I got overwhelmed (partially due to the loud birdsong). I went into shutdown, and on our way back to the car there was a cluster of pigeons. I was terrified and froze, I couldn’t move. Internally, all I could see was these birds ganging up, ready to attack and peck me, brush their feathers on my face, potentially spreading some kind of plague. Yes, it was an overreaction, but when in overload everything is scarier and more overwhelming. So I ended up walking around the pigeons, giving them a wide berth with one of my parents between them and myself as a buffer. My brother walked right through them and they flew away.

Swans are dangerous and evil. No one can convince me differently. When walking the dog, I’ll often come across a swan or two. Sometimes I’ll turn back and take a different route, sometimes I’ll run past them. Once they blocked my only way back and kept hissing at me, so I was panicked and unable to get home. Fortunately, a kind elderly couple helped out. One walked my dog past them and one helped me get past.

I still use my Mum or Dad as a buffer when passing swans, because they hiss at you and could easily attack. They can sense my weakness, and are more than prepared to peck.

Don’t underestimate the birds…