Most autistic people seem to avoid eye contact.

Alternatively, most non-autistic people seem to seek extreme levels of eye contact.

There seem to be many reasons why autistic people avoid eye contact.

Sensory

Autistic people often have sensory sensitivities. For some, this can mean that things others barely notice can cause extreme anxiety, discomfort, or pain.

Eye contact can feel like sensory overload. According to most books I have read, other people can read emotions in eyes. ‘The eyes are the window to the soul’. This doesn’t make sense. Eyes can give indications of facial expressions, but only via their contraction, dilation, and the movement of the eyelids and the area around the eyes. Eyes themselves don’t hold emotions. At least not that I can see. I’m unsure whether this is a metaphor, or whether other people can literally see emotions, or understand what someone is feeling, just from their eyes.

But it’s overwhelming to feel like someone else is staring into you, and it’s anxiety inducing to consider that they may be able to see much deeper inside my head than I theirs. There is a disbalance of power.

The actual eyes themselves can be overwhelming, too. They are colourful, and have loads of micro-expressions surrounding them. It is a lot of information to take in.

Concentration

An autistic person may avoid making eye contact because it can reduce our ability to concentrate.

When you think about it, this makes sense. When you are listening to someone, you are processing auditory input, rather than visual. And autistic people are already taking in too much sensory input, so adding visual input to an already overloaded system means than something else has to give.

If I’m trying to pay attention in class, I’ll usually stare at the desk, or at my paper. The reduced visual input allows me to push more of my resources towards processing the auditory input.

Or I’ll look at my hands, or a stim toy. Because these types of visual input replenish my energy, rather than depleting it.

Anxiety

Making the correct amount of eye contact is extremely hard. It can be very anxiety inducing too.

When I’m making eye contact, internally I’m assessing a ton of variables.

• Which eye should I look at? Left or right? Should I switch between the two?

• Will they notice if I look at other parts of their face instead? Where should I look? Can’t look at the mouth or they think you’re flirting. Can’t look at their hair or shoulders or they’ll think you’re looking past them. Pick a spot!

• How long have I been looking? Am I glaring? Staring? Have I been looking too long, or not long enough?

• Can I look away yet? Will this indicate anxiety, shyness, or will it be unnoticed?

• How intense is my eye contact? Is it too gentle or extreme given the current context and topic of discussion? Do I look angry? Are my eyes portraying the correct emotion for this situation?

And then there is no energy left to listen to what they are actually saying. People get annoyed when you ask them to repeat themselves, and they get annoyed when you ‘don’t listen’, and they get annoyed when you don’t make eye contact. So I have to make eye contact, pretend I heard, and not ask them to repeat them. So a lot of the time I just mimic their facial expression and tone of voice, and they assume I heard them.

All of these difficult social rules surrounding eye contact can cause anxiety, making the eye contact even harder.

There are a few people I can make eye contact with without struggling as much. I can make eye contact with my parents whilst still listening to them because I know they won’t care if I stare too long, look away too soon, or just choose to not make eye contact at all for that conversation. This reduces the anxiety, and makes it less daunting. Eye contact is still hard with them when I’m in sensory overload, because it can physically hurt (causing my eyes to feel itchy and painful. Potentially similar to mild hayfever?), but I know they don’t mind because they understand I’m not being rude.

The best way to help autistic people with their eye contact is to realise that making eye contact is hard. It is harder with strangers, it is harder when you’re overwhelmed, but it is always a conscious, energy consuming activity.

Imagine you were forced to read a long, boring document every time someone talked to you. Your eyes soon start to get tired and hurt, but you have to force yourself to pay attention because the document is vitally important. And at the same time, you have to listen to what the person is saying and respond to them.

I’m not sure if that’s what other autistic people feel when making eye contact, but I know that is how I feel. It is uncomfortable, tiring, and sometimes painful.

And really, really overrated.