I overthink things. A lot.

I can’t deal with absolutes without thinking of exceptions. For example, when you first learn about statistics in school they often use the example that the chance of the world exploding (or something equally unlikely) is impossible, and has a probability of 0. They’ll also say something like the chance of the sun rising tomorrow is certain, and has a probability of 1. (They may then make a joke about how the probability of Student A bringing in their homework is 0, or something similar).

But I’m instantly distracted from the lesson because I’m testing whether or not this statement is true. I’m considering all of the possible ways the circumstances can occur (EG: what if a massive meteor hits the earth and it explodes? What if the people looking out for these dangerous meteors all get sick because someone brings some kind of infection into the workplace? Or what if all of the electricity shuts off, just for a few moments, and they miss the meteor?). All of these situations are incredibly unlikely, nearly impossible. But ‘nearly impossible’ is not the same as ‘impossible’.

So whilst other students are learning about tree diagrams and spinning tops, I’m spiralling into an imaginary world of meteors and incompetent scientists.

This kind of thinking can cause problems in everyday life. If you’re constantly thinking of every possible outcome to your actions, every possible event that could occur and how these events could play off of each other, your brain runs out of space for the more likely scenarios. I lack ‘common sense’, because I consider the impossibilities before the probabilities.

And now I’m overthinking that last sentence because it sounds very conceited to me.

If I let myself overthink these blog posts as much as I want to, I’d never post anything because I would spend days obsessing over the proper way to phrase something. Whenever I write a ‘professional’ email or text I have my parents read it over because I have no idea whether or not it’s mean or offensive.

But anyway. Considering all of these possibilities takes a lot of time. I’m often ‘zoning out’, scripting my reactions to these scenarios and predicting what others will say. For example, I have poured over pictures of my university room to try to figure out how much storage space I have. I have tried to figure out which areas are visible from the window so I can hide more expensive items from curious, would-be thieves.

I spent a while considering the pros and cons of keeping a basil plant in my room. Before I buy one I would need to re-read my entire contract (yes, I actually read all of the terms and conditions of my contract) to see if it’s allowed, then research how much water it would need, whether I would have room, etc.

This is one of the reasons a change of plans can be so anxiety-inducing. All of my plans and predictions have suddenly been deleted. Imagine you’ve spent hours writing an essay, only for your cat to sit on the laptop and delete it all (to be fair, that would be partially your own fault for not regularly saving your work). The essay is due the next day. Everyone else has theirs ready, and doesn’t understand why you’re so worried because you can just write it again.

Okay, the metaphor got away from me there. Basically, people often act like I’m overreacting when I get upset by changes. I think it’s because people assume that everyone else experiences the world the same way as them, and therefore assume that a situation that causes them little to no anxiety must affect me the same way. But it doesn’t. Because now I have to consider all of the possible problems and solutions and eventualities, in a tiny amount of time. Which is very tiring, and very anxiety inducing in case I do it wrong.

Sometimes I’m okay with changes because I predicted that something could occur and prepared for it. For example, if my mum tells me she will try and get me pizza for dinner I will consider the possibility that she may forget or get something else (or find a good discount for something else!). So if she doesn’t get the pizza, I’m prepared. I’ll be a little disappointed (because I love pizza), but I won’t really feel anxious.

However, if my parents promise that we are going out to Nando’s for dinner, I will spend all of my time considering what I can eat, what I should take to cope with sensory overload, what to do if they run out of food I will eat, what I will need to wear, etc. I have no room to consider ‘what if we don’t go to Nando’s?’. So if they suddenly tell me, as we are leaving, that we are going to Bella Italia instead, I’m overwhelmed because all of my predictions have suddenly been deleted, and I have mere minutes to re-write them. It doesn’t matter if I prefer Bella Italia, or if it’s quieter, or we have a discount code. It’s still anxiety inducing because I don’t have time for all of my overthinking.

So when plans change, I need to know in advance.

And hey, I’m sure the overthinking will come in handy for university when I’ll need to be prepared for many new things and new people. Not sure how planning which video games I will take with me (a month in advance) will help, but better safe than sorry!