I can’t count the number of times someone has sighed and said ‘I was being sarcastic’, with one eyebrow drawn in, one raised, and pursed lips; a facial expression saying they are confused and annoyed. I’ve been told I’m ‘too rational’ many, many times.

And yet I use sarcasm fairly often. My family is pretty sarcastic, and most of the time I’m able to pick up on it.

There’s a big difference between being able to use sarcasm and being able to pick up on it. If you’re being sarcastic, you know you’re doing so (unless someone misunderstands a genuine statement as being sarcastic, which is fairly common to). You just have to decide ‘yes, I will be sarcastic now’. But picking up on sarcasm is so much harder. You have to read their facial expression (are they expressing genuine emotions or fake ones? Are they happy or sad? Are they really confused or mocking you?), and you have to read the context, you have to read their body language, and finally you have to consider what you know about them and whether that would influence whether or not they’re being sarcastic (are they generally a joking, sarcastic person?). And you have to do all of this simultaneously, whilst also paying attention to what they’re saying (and making sure you’re making eye contact correctly, and using the correct facial expression, and the correct body language, and attempting to hear them over the background sensory input). It can be extremely tiring and energy consuming.

So often when I’m in a conversation with someone I get caught up in the conversation and forget to check whether they are being sarcastic, and answer as if they were genuine. Or I’m overwhelmed and have to focus my energy on something more important than sarcasm (such as not having a meltdown or shutdown).

It’s easier with my family because they know I miss sarcasm, and usually use a ‘sarcastic voice’, which makes it WAY easier to pick up on whether or not someone is being sarcastic.

When someone decides not to use a sarcastic voice and still expects me to pick up on their sarcasm, it’s annoying. I have to do all this work to detect your use of sarcasm and you can’t even make it slightly easier by using a sarcastic voice? It get’s frustrating over time.

So please, even if someone is very sarcastic, don’t assume they are gonna get your sarcasm, and especially don’t mock them for it.